we are our own greatest worst enemy?

Buckminster Fuller said "You never change anything by fighting the existing. To change something, build a new model and make the existing obsolete." 

When we fear too much of making mistakes to avoid from getting hurt, blamed, failure, pain, rejection, we are actually fear of fear. By not letting ourself to experience the darkness from the light, we might never know how dark is dark and how bright is bright. Fear can keep us away from danger, but fear can also stop us from progressing.

Bertrand once said that fear is one of the main sources of cruelty and to conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. Mean while, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, "Fear and guilt are the only enemies of man" and of course, most famously of all, Franklin Roosevelt said,"We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Our Greatest Fear

Giving Yourself Permission To Feel

Feelings are a lot like children; we can honor their feelings – but we do not give them the keys to the car!

It seems that what people fear more than anything is not crime, illness or even death. The greatest fear is our own feelings, especially the loneliness, helplessness and insignificance. Although we all feel them at times, few people know how to cope with their presence. As children, these feelings seemed scary because we identified with them; they represented our reality, our very identity. They seemed enormously important. We talked about them for hours with anyone who would listen. We had no idea what else to do with what seemed like intolerable pain. No one told us that it was okay to simply feel them. Rather, we may have been ridiculed as immature.

We are programmed to think that to feel anything other than happy, confident and successful means that we must be lacking in faith or suffering from an emotional disorder. The drug companies capitalize on the fear of "bad" feelings by telling us that if they are not eliminated, terrible things will happen to us. So we tend to think of bad feelings as monsters that can kidnap us at any moment and plunge us into insanity and despair as we wait helplessly for some drug, event or person to pull us out of the pits.

Most of us learned to valiantly stifle feelings, put on a happy face and act as if "It doesn't hurt," when we flunked a test, were ridiculed by a teacher, ignored by a parent or snubbed by a peer. But these things hurt. If we could not share our feelings and receive validation, we might have felt we were crazy or stupid for not knowing how to be "cool" like the more popular, cynical types who seemed not to be burdened with intense feelings. No wonder people try to numb feelings with drugs or addictions!

However, there is a better way. Emotional multi-tasking means giving ourself permission to feel, without shame or guilt, and identify what messages the painful feelings have come to give us. We all experience endless losses, frustrations and disappointments. We will all feel betrayed, lonely, abused, insulted, abandoned and cheated. Only criminals are lacking in feelings. Inevitably, we will burn with rage, be crazed with grief or feel shriveled by rejection and failure. While we are supposed to feel joy about our ability to keep smiling, this is not to deny our heartbreak. This is called emotional multi-tasking.

Emotional multi-tasking means that we give ourselves permission to feel, without shame or guilt, and identify what messages the painful feelings have come to give us. Once we figure out the message, we can just let the feelings be and continue to function to the best of our ability, with the pain.

It is important to think of an e-motion as energy in motion. Emotions are meant to move us, to take protective action, do something creative or communicate with someone caring. For example, if someone insults us, it won't help to tell ourself, "Don't feel." The hurt is our emotional reality. However, we can choose to:
a) shrug it off as insignificant,
b) let the person know that we feel hurt, or
c) keep a protective distance while allowing ourself to feel the pain of a lost relationship.

Or, let's say we feel exhausted. After acknowledging the feeling, ask: "Can I push myself a bit more? Am I merely bored and need to get involved in some stimulating activity? Or do I really need to sleep?" Don't argue with feelings; do look at where they are taking us.

If a child says, "I hate my teacher," it won't help to say, "You're not allowed to hate." His feelings won't change; he now feels ashamed or angry that he cannot share, making him feel isolated and rejected on top of the hurt he is already feeling. What he needs is validation and compassion. By learning to multi-task, we build tolerance for the painful feelings which dwell within us. We can trust that the intensity will rise and fall on its own, without any intervention on our part, if we keep our beliefs and behaviors positive! Children cannot do this "juggling act." But we can! It's the DVI approach:

A. DEFINE: "Yes, I feel scared, hurt, lonely, rejected, betrayed, stifled, frustrated, etc."

B. VALIDATE: "I am not bad or crazy. It is normal to feel this way at such times. I have a right to feel hurt. I will 'hold' the pain for as long as it wants to be held, like a hurt child, without judgment and without fear or shame."

C. INSPIRE WITH COURAGEOUS ACTION OR FAITH: "I will use the pain as an impetus to action, such as music, art or doing acts of kindness or will focus on developing my spiritual powers - humility, compassion, etc." Feelings are a lot like children; we can honor their feelings – but we do not give them the keys to the car! The "adult" must stay in control. To do so, it is helpful to adopt certain disciplines, such as:

RULE 1: ACCEPT ALL FEELINGS FEARLESSLY:
We're given with a broad range of feeling tones, each of which contributes to our depth and complexity as human beings. Just as the eighty-eight keys on a piano allow for a magnificent variety of musical sounds, we have high and low tones – from ecstasy and inspiration to rage and apathy.

When a painful feeling arises, Feelings are a lot like children; we can honor their feelings – but we do not give them the keys to the car! Whether it is outrage, despair or anxiety, allow it to "swoosh" through your body like a river. Do not try to restrain it. Give yourself permission to feel the raw pain. Think: "God is with me, accepting me as I am, right now. He loves me, whether I feel it or not." If you keep saying the words, then the pain will begin to fade at some point. When this happens, think, "Wow, I survived."

RULE 2: PUSH FORWARD:
When the acute phase has passed, push ourself to do something (anything!) positive that proves that we have control over some aspect of our life. This can be as small as flossing teeth or as big as forcing ourself to get to work. It's like the moment when the nurse walks in after an operation and forces you out of bed before you feel ready, knowing that staying in bed can cause blood clots. We can function with discomfort. Be proud of any positive acts we can manage to do despite the heartbreak. At times, just getting through the next hour takes enormous courage. See ourself as heroic for bearing the discomfort. (I will usually do room cleaning for this, it works!)

RULE 3: BE EMOTIONALLY MODEST:
Researchers have found that sharing painful feelings for about 15 minutes causes a pleasurable rise in hormonal levels, but more than that will intensify feelings of self-pity and despair. So give ourself a time limit. Do not share feelings with people who will think that we are untrustworthy, stupid or insane

RULE 4: REFUSE TO SPECULATE ABOUT THE FUTURE:
Is Iran going to strike first? Will the price of gas go higher? Will the marriage work out? If we find ourself speculating anxiously about possible future disasters over which we have no control, firmly tell ourself that "I refuse to go down that dark mental alley. God gives me precisely what I need." Leave the future in His hands - unless we can take actual steps to protect or advance ourself, like getting a job, taking out insurance or avoiding junk food.

RULE 5: BECOME EMOTIONALLY INDEPENDENT:
We'll never get all the love, understanding or appreciation we might crave. In fact, no one ever understands anyone completely. Assume that people are, "Doing the best they can with their present level of emotional intelligence and life experiences."

RULE 6: GROW FROM IT:
If we feel depressed, we should get busy! If we feel hostile, we should take protective action. If we feel jealous, let it be a catalyst for self-refinement, i.e., "I'm jealous of people who are kind and generous; I want to be like that." We really need to learn from what we see, we hear and we come across in everyday life. We really need to observe.

RULE 7: USE EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE (EFT)
EFT is a great way to multi-task. It teaches us to acknowledge our feelings while choosing new beliefs and actions. For example:

FAKE IT: "Even though I'm anxious about being fired, I choose to do my best at work and talk the 'faith talk' to strengthen me and my family's perspective."

DO KINDNESS: "Even though I feel lonely and useless, I choose to volunteer at a charitable organization. Even if I'm just sticking labels on food parcels, it helps to be with people who appreciate my efforts."

STICK TO A SCHEDULE: "Even though I hate having this mood disorder, I choose to stick to my schedule of sleeping, eating, praying and working in order to create a sense of stability during unstable times."

FACE REALITY: "Even though I don't want my children to suffer maternal deprivation, I choose to face reality – lots of debts and a husband who says he is too depressed to work – and choose to find a job."

BE PROTECTIVE: "Even though I wish I could change this critical person, I choose to acknowledge that her presence is like poison to me and that I have the right to distance myself physically and emotionally."

BE GRATEFUL: "Whenever I start fantasizing about the person I might have married, I choose to remind myself that since God made this happen, He knew that this was for my best."

VALIDATE YOUR NEEDS: "Even though I'd like to be more outgoing, I choose to validate that I am an introvert and don't need to feel ashamed of the fact that I need a lot of quiet, private time for myself." - Sometimes, it is very tiring to try being someone else. Why should we? Just live the way we want it to be and smile.

BE RESPONSIBLE: "Instead of constantly berating myself for not being an organized superwoman, I choose to accept that I am organizationally challenged and need outside help."

In other words: Meet pain with compassion. Then focus on a positive act or thought to gain some distance and keep yourself from getting stuck in the quicksand.

Emotional multi-tasking means giving yourself permission to feel,

without shame or guilt, and identify what messages the painful feelings have come to give you.

:)